We dogs attended an outdoor ‘town mall’ meeting in Fairhope the other night scheduled for 10 PM in the French Quarter.  Our community had been organized by Lucky Dog, Diplomatic Whelp, who said he was coming to listen to everyday dogs’ concerns about the proposed World Dog (and Cat) Health Plan (WDCHP).  

In the run up to the meeting, rumors abounded about long lines at clinics, disallowing your choice of Vet, Public Dog Pool Options and ‘put you down’ panels.    

At 9:55 PM, several busses pulled up on De La Mare Ave and offloaded some really big scary cats who proceeded to close the gates before our entire group could get in.  The muscle cats were part of the Feline Employees International Union (FEIU) and had been bussed in from an out of state zoo.  They immediately began herding fat cats from the other busses marked Future Oaks, into the courtyard via a side entrance.  The fat cats were given the front rows, directly below Lucky Dog, where they purred, meowed and hissed during the entire meeting.  

None of the attending dogs had read the details in the 1000+ page World Dog (and Cat) Health Plan document because dogs can’t read, and even if they could, no dog, red dog, green dog or blue dog would have endured it.  I mean, really, most dogs missed Gone with the Wind.  And the WDCHP doesn’t have pictures either.   Here’s what a few of the dogs had to say.

Robert E. Lee, a King Charles Spaniel, an overly friendly ‘greeter’ at Zia on Fairhope Avenue, felt like a victim instead of a beneficiary.  ‘Sir, I’m feeling like it’s Appomattox all over again but there’s a distinct difference this time.  This fight has only just begun and the outcome is certain to be different.’  In expressing his opinion, Robert E. Lee barked a little louder than normal but that’s what dogs do when they are on the defensive.   ‘I am even more dangerous when you attack me where I live.’  His usual friendly demeanor had temporarily disappeared.

Priscilla LaFleur, a Miniature Maltese ‘performer’ assists at Prissy Pots Gift Shop.  She can sit, rollover, shake and give high 5’s or high 4’s if you don’t count the dew claw.   Her job is to recline demurely in her wrought iron 4-poster bed.  Known as the Pampered Princess, you can imagine how the media lights affected her behavior.   When it was her turn to speak, she squeezed out a shrill scream, ‘I am afraid, Lucky, but not of you.  I would bite your tail if I could reach it.  You are leading us backwards.  I don’t want to go backwards.  I want a future  better than the past.  I’m going to poop in your mess kit.’   No one had ever seen that side of Priscilla LeFleur.  She was panting very hard and foaming at the mouth.  Poor little thing.

Snoopy is the Security Basset Hound at Fairhope True Value Hardware; big fan of FOX News but mostly sleeps.  During the meeting, he was awakened by the call to the podium.  Somewhat confused, he growled hard at Lucky Dog.  ‘There are so many conflicting reports.  What used to be oral is now anal.  Does Mometamax go in my ears or up my butt?   Are Capstars now suppositories?  Is Heartgard for worms or arrhythmia?  You’ve made me cynical, Lucky.  I’m having misinformation overload!  I don’t believe anything you say anymore but I know this; I am opposed to that Public Dog Pool Option thing.

One of the FEIU cats in the front row finally said something significant.  ‘Hey Lucky, more care for more dogs for less money with fewer Vets.  Sounds fishy to me.  Make a note and report it to that ‘flag something’ website!’  The insolent cat was immediately led from the courtyard and unceremoniously gassed in a special vehicle parked outside on Church Street.

The news media portrayed the ‘town mall’ participants as snarley and confrontational, like Gestapo attack dogs; and those were just the local older members belonging to the AARF.  Lucky Dog had again failed to explain the plan to the older guys already on Medi-Dog, who had the most to lose, the quickest.  Lucky apparently doesn’t read either.  No one mentioned the gassing of the fat cat.

As for the proposed World Dog (and Cat) Health Plan mongrel, I say kill it, eviscerate it and mummify it.  Then fix the maladies of the existing mutt.

The Wisdom of Willie Bean