There’s a secret cove on Mobile Bay; a place for really bad dogs; Dogtanamo Bay.  DTMO.  Ditmo.

It’s a detention kennel, off the beaten track, secluded at water’s edge, owned and operated by Gestapo-esk proprietors Ronald and Charlotte Wasser.  The name over the chain linked and barbed wire fence at the entrance reads simply;  WASSER BOARDING FOR BAD DOGS.  It’s not on the American Kennel Club’s list of approved facilities.  It’s methods were, at one time,  CONFIDENTIAL.

Although WASSER BOARDING has adopted, sheltered, guarded, fed and medicated these animals back to complete health, and provided them emergency services and rehab programs, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Terrorists (SPCT) wants to release them back onto the streets of Fairhope, sooner rather than later, without muzzling or in some cases, neutering.

Let’s look at a few of the detainees held at Ditmo.

Jaws.  A Pakistani Striped Hyaena; one bad dude; an exception to the rule of mammalian biology.  According to a WASSER BOARDING spokesperson, Jaws possesses bone cracking power and has repeatedly tried to demolish an outbuilding inside the kennel grounds by biting the support pilings in half.  I don’t think he’ll brunch well at The Fairhope Inn.

Crazy Kooch.  An Afghan Sage Koochee; big, tough and rangy, originally protected sheep and goats, ended up eating most of them.  ‘Crazy’ was filmed tearing off the head of a lost and  peace loving American Collie.  How would you like to be waiting for a haircut at Ken & Vernon’s Barber Shop with this beast laying on the floor next to you?  I don’t think so.  

Junkyard Jidda.  A ‘Designer Dog’ combination Chihuahua, Rat Terrier and Mongoose.  ‘Junkyard’ was turned away from his original destination because dogs were banned as a threatening Western influence; you know, babe magnets for boys.  Junkyard never recovered emotionally.  His favorite food is human entrails.  In a recent on site interview with the Canine News Network, ‘Junkyard’ jumped the interior grounds restraining barrier, mounted the interviewer, peed on the camera tripod and pooped in a film canister.  His actions intimidated the news crew, threatened the peace and caused  calculated chaos.  If released, he could easily hide amidst the wine racks at Red and White.  You could be reaching for a nice Cabernet and, wham, adios to your right arm.  

Hurricane Pukas.   Part rat.  Boils slowly.  She possesses Cat 5 (excuse the feline reference) destructive power.   She’ll wear you down with an hours long vicious frontal assault then finish you with a surge unmatched in this world.  She’ll destroy your life as you know it.   If she is allowed to freely roam Section Street, just board up your house and ask forgiveness.     

I say DO NOT release the hounds.   Keep Ditmo.  Long live WASSER BOARDING FOR BAD DOGS!

The Wisdom of Willie Bean